Live Me Read online

  This was for the best.

  He’d move on, find the right girl for him, and realize one day that I’d done him a favor. I’d eventually forget all about him, and my secrets would remain just that.

  My. Secrets.

  “Yes.” I straightened in my chair, sniveling and wiping away the evidence with the back of my hand. “You did the right thing.”

  So why do I feel like I’m breaking?

  The night was not kind.

  It seldom was, but this was one of the worst in a long time. Night terrors raked through me, claiming me as their bitch. My body wailed and trembled until I was able to pull myself out of it. Usually, my own screams were what woke me. A low cry at first, almost distant. Then it would get louder and louder, closer and closer, until the shrill pitch was so loud in my ears, it would rattle my brain.

  My eyes burst open and my arms were wrapped around my core, my nails rooted deep in my flesh. Still partially lost in an abyss, I pounded my fists against my thighs in an effort to break the trance and fully wake myself up. A mixture of sweat and tears soaked me from head to toe. Pink droplets surrounded me on the sheets where blood from the wounds I’d inflicted seeped into the moisture.

  When I’d straightened and realized it had happened again, I allowed the real sobbing to begin. The pitiful weeping as I’d rocked back and forth, holding onto my knees for support, becoming aware of just how fucked up I really was and realizing I’d never be normal again. I’d been stripped of that, too.

  How could anyone ever love me? Get close to this?

  They couldn’t. I just had to accept the fact I’d spend the rest of my life screaming alone in a dark room. Logically, I knew I wasn’t solely to blame, but the guilt of betraying one of the people I loved most in the world sat on my shoulders like a boulder.

  My sights fell on the stuffed lamb that had been keeping vigil by my bedside since childhood. It didn’t seem to be doing its job anymore and I wondered why I continued to keep it there.

  “Eva, come out and dry off.”

  I squint through the bright sun and take in the warm lines around Nonna’s eyes. My face splits in a huge grin. It was the week I always looked forward to in the summer when I got to stay with her. I’d swim all day and do crafts and watch old movies with her at night. She always let me stay up later than my mom, cuddling with me and eating sugary snacks.

  I run toward the towel outstretched between her waiting arms. She wraps it around me, rubbing vigorously. “You’ll be warm in a minute. I made you girls some lunch.”

  Abby looks up from her spot on the lounger. “Thanks, Nonna,” we sing in tandem.

  A few hours later, I lie beneath the covers, staring wide-eyed at the shadows on the wall. They always crept up them, different from the ones at home. Abby decided to come this year, so I thought that’d make it easier to sleep, but it didn’t. I roll to the other side, trying to ignore the way the one that looks like a creepy clown is staring at me.

  “Go to sleep,” Abby’s groggy voice mutters beneath the duvet.

  “I can’t. I’m spooked again and I miss Mommy.”

  She exhales and sits up. “Here.” She pushes her favorite stuffed lamb into my arms.

  My eyes glass over. “You’re giving me Mary? But she’s your best friend.”

  “I don’t need her anymore.” She shrugs. “She always helped me sleep and you can use her now. She keeps the bad dreams away.” She smiles softly.

  “Thanks, Abs.” I squeeze Mary. “I’ll keep her forever.” I snuggle deep into the warmness and bury my face in Mary’s soft tufts, humming the childhood rhyme until I was able to peacefully fall asleep.

  Its fleece was white as snow . . .

  I focused on Mary a while longer, waiting for the hiccupping and body jolts to subside. When the worst had passed, I clambered off the bed and dragged myself to the bathroom to assess the damage. Amongst the mangled golden knots, sweat pasted the baby hairs framing my face to my skin, and my eyes were practically swollen shut. Barefoot on the cold tiles, I trembled as a chill coursed over my dampened body. Craving warmth, I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and stepped under the scorching stream. I bit my lip and cried out as the water scalded me, blood invading my mouth from the newest wound I’d inflicted. But I needed to cleanse my body of the filth crawling through my veins like angry little centipedes.

  It was as though his hands and tongue were still all over me. Wincing, I washed away the dried blood my nails had left behind until the water ran cold. No amount of makeup or cold compresses would conceal the night I’d had. Thankfully, it was Saturday and everyone thought I’d be away visiting my boyfriend.

  I put on a pair of old sweats and a long sleeve shirt to hide as much skin as possible—just in case. Popping a hazelnut coffee into the Keurig, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the aroma. There was no way I could eat. Night terrors always left me feeling nauseous. Caffeine, on the other hand, was a necessity, and I’d need lots of it to keep away those haunting visions.

  I thumbed through my phone to see if Blake had replied to the text I’d sent.

  He hadn’t.

  Though it hurt and a wave of disappointment washed over me, it was for the best. The quicker he forgot about me and got on with his life, the quicker I could do the same.

  I hope.

  Truth was, I doubted I’d ever truly forget about him. In the short time I’d known him, he had burrowed his way into my heart and shattered all my make-shift walls. I didn’t know how he managed to do it. I’d never allowed anyone into that place inside of me before. It was the only thing I was able to control in my life. I didn’t know the first thing to do to expel him from there. All I knew was I had to. For his sake, I had to.

  I shook my head clear and took a big gulp of my coffee. Today called for a day of regrouping and studying. It’d been such a whirlwind since I got to New York that I was beginning to lose sight of my goals. I had to forget about Blake and bury my nose in my studies. Exams were coming up this week, and I needed to focus on my life, my future, and my career.

  For the next four hours, I sat in my living room, books sprawled everywhere as I tried to block everything out and retain as much information as possible. Every now and then, my body jolted in a half-spasm as my head fell forward and I started to doze off. Needing some air, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and changed into a sports bra, T-shirt, and leggings, then covered up with a small hoodie. A good run should help even me out.

  I stopped at the front doors and used the steps to stretch, then started a slow jog. I needed to get off the busy Manhattan streets and clear my head. Once I reached the park, I was able to pick up the pace a bit. It wasn’t raining, but the sky was overcast, so the place was relatively empty. I ran the path more than ten times and made sure I waved at Bertha during my laps. I didn’t want to upset her.

  I’d lost count of how many times I’d gone around, but my legs were beginning to feel rubbery, and I had a sharp pang in my side that wouldn’t let up. I stopped, grasping the pain and panting. I turned my nose up to the gray sky, closed my eyes, and wrapped my arms around myself, helping my heart rate descend.

  Feeling better, I started the slow trudge back to my apartment, focusing on the music flowing into my ears. I smiled as Eye of the Tiger by Survivor began to play. The song did its job of perking me up. Feeling thoroughly exhausted but better, I picked a flower and tucked it behind my ear, then decided to grab Jace, order Chinese, and watch True Blood reruns. I could never resist an afternoon spent with some sexy vamps.

  “Well, look who finally decided to show her face,” Jace said, opening his door. “Hurry up and get in here before you embarrass yourself. You look like road kill, honey.”

  I snickered, tripping over my own feet as he yanked me inside by my arm. “Nice to see you, too. So glad I stopped by.”

  He turned and looked me up and down. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “Can we not talk about it? I’m finally starting to feel a lit
tle better.” I walked past him to his kitchen and peered into the refrigerator.

  He gave me a doubtful glance. “If you say so, but I just need to let you know, I’m really worried about you, Eva. No joke. I don’t know what to make of all this.”

  I screwed the cap off a bottle of water, and took a long gulp. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine. Really. I’ve gotten over worse than a stupid crush.”

  “That’s the thing, you haven’t gotten over any of it.” His eyes were lit with concern. “You’re still having those god awful dreams. You finally have a chance at a real relationship, but you’re pissing all over it. And what happens when you go back home, huh? Or are you planning to never see your family again? Have you thought any of this through? You really need to tell them, Eva.”

  I slammed the bottle down on the counter, tears budding in my eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you I can’t? Stop asking and just be here for me, okay?”

  His shoulders lost their sharp edges, and he huffed. “Fine. For now.” He waved a warning finger at me. “But we’re not done talking about it.”

  “We never are.” I frowned, picking up the bottle for another sip.

  “And, just to let you know, if you ever shut me out again the way you did last night, I’m ripping out your va-jay-jay hairs one by one.”

  “Pfft.” I spit out a laugh full of water. The look on his face told me he was not happy I wasn’t taking him seriously and I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh, I just . . .” I stifled another bout of giggles and wiped the water dripping from my chin. “Go on.” I sucked in my cheeks, trying not to laugh again.

  “Uh huh,” he huffed. “Laugh all you want. Just don’t try me, missy. You won’t be laughing when you feel the pussy burn.”

  At that, I laughed outright. When I’d finally got ahold of myself, I looked at my best friend adoringly. “I’m sorry I upset you last night. It’s just sometimes I need to work through stuff on my own. Don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not mad, Eva. I’m nervous. And I wouldn’t care if you were actually working through stuff and not on some drawn out suicide mission. You’re giving me early wrinkles for Christ’s sake. Do you see these lines?” He pointed at his temples and the imaginary creases he believed were forming there. But we both knew his genes were way too good for that.

  “Oh please, stop it. You’re gorgeous and you know it. But point taken.” I jabbed him in the ribs with the water bottle. “Now, come back to my place and you can braid my hair while we drool over Eric and Sookie. Well, Eric.” I corrected with a smirk.

  “Okay, but you’re not off the hook just because you’re distracting me with visions of a hot vampire Viking.”

  I sat on the floor between Jace’s legs as he braided and unbraided my hair countless times. It was one of his favorite pasttimes. We’d gone through our ritual of what we would do if we ever got our hands on Eric, voiced our shared jealousy of Sookie, ate Chinese, and fallen asleep curled up together.

  When I woke the next morning, Jace was already showered and bouncing around my apartment. I, on the other hand, felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my entire body. Between the prior night of beating the shit out of myself, the first run I’d taken in longer than I cared to admit, and then a night spent face down on the carpet, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to move from the spot on the floor I was stuck to like a chewed-up wad of gum.

  “Oh boy, am I in trouble.” I rolled myself onto my back and winced. “Why do you look so good already?” I scowled.

  “Honey, I always look good. Trust.” He reached his hand down and hoisted me to a standing position with one sharp tug. “Gimme a kiss. I’m going home.”

  I kissed him and rubbed the knot at the back of my neck. “See ya later.” I started to walk him toward the door then stopped. “Hey, Jace?”

  He turned, his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?”

  “Thanks.” I gave him a half smile.

  “You’re welcome.” He kissed the tip of my nose and stepped into the hall. “Now go do something with yourself. You look dreadful.” He pulled the door closed in my face.

  I shook my head. I should be used to that by now.

  What was I going to do with myself today?

  I stretched out my aching muscles and cleaned up my apartment before showering. My stomach grumbled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten more than a little moo shu in the last two days. I opened the refrigerator, and scanned the shelves. Not even an egg.

  Great.

  I let out a huff, gathering my belongings to make a trip to the store when my cell phone pinged with a text.

  Come open the door.

  I stopped cold in my tracks and felt all the blood drain from my face.

  Blake.

  He was here? Opening the door just a crack, I peered out with one keen eyeball. Nothing.

  What the hell?

  I peeled back the door and poked my head out, looking around the empty hallway. He must have sent the text to the wrong person. Feeling a sense of relief, I locked the door behind me, smiling at his choice of names for himself, but with an ache in my belly at how we’d left off.

  “Hey, James.” I waved.

  “Hi there, Miss Eva.” He returned my greeting with a warm smile.

  I hurried out the front door and tried unsuccessfully to stop short before tripping over the broad shoulders seated on the top step.

  Blake twisted, dropping the bags he had clutched in his hands, and caught me as I fell over his shoulder and onto his lap. “Whoa,” he huffed out, just as surprised as I was. His eyes twinkled mere inches from mine. “I gotta say, I’m starting to like the way you come down a flight of stairs.”

  Am I dreaming? I squeezed my eyes tight and reopened them. Nope, still there, and the hardness forming beneath me told me this was definitely reality. Warmth swarmed my cheeks, and I squirmed in an effort to move away from it.

  A low growl emanated from his chest. “I strongly advise against any movement like that unless you want a very public display of exactly what it is you do to me.” He trailed his thumb along the piece of exposed flesh at my waistline, and my hips inadvertently twitched. Our faces were so close, he jutted his nose upward, tapping my own, and gave me a wink.

  Sudden awareness of what was going on washed over me. I peeled my arms from around his neck and scrambled awkwardly off his lap, hopelessly trying to avoid his happy member. On hands and knees, I continued to clamber off the ground as he sat, calmly staring, dimples in full effect.

  “You really are trying to kill me, I’m convinced,” I said, brushing myself off.

  He threw his head back and let out a hearty chuckle, “Au contraire. I’m trying to do exactly the opposite.”

  I planted my hands on my hips and narrowed my eyes at him. “What do you want?”

  “Exactly what I said I wanted.” He stared up at me like I should know what that meant.

  I didn’t.

  He must have seen the question in my eyes because he stood up, grabbed the bags he’d tossed, and held them out to me. “I’m here to feed you.”

  My mouth dropped open. Feed me? I thought we had established that whatever this was, it was over. “I’m sorry, did I miss something? I thought we were fighting.”

  “We were.” He shrugged. “I got over it. And I told you, as your BFF I’m deeply concerned for your well being.” He placed a hand on his chest and forced the corners of his eyebrows together, making a show of looking overly troubled. “Now come on, chop-chop, bring me inside.” He stared at me expectantly.

  I balked. “Inside? Like, my apartment?”

  “Yes, inside. Like your apartment,” he repeated tiredly. “You’re gonna have to get with the program, Angel. You’re a little slow today.”

  Maybe I was, but I’d missed the part where I’d agreed to be alone with him behind closed doors. Nevertheless, I found myself wearing a dazed expression and doing exactly as he said, walking up the stairs in a clouded haze, and holding the door open for
him as we made our way back into the lobby.

  I unlocked my door and stepped inside, signaling with my hand for him to follow me. When he stepped over the threshold, I immediately felt like Alice crowded into a small room in Wonderland.

  He looked massive standing there, barely inside my doorway. I opened my mouth to tell him he should leave, but he scooted past me and made his way over to the bar that separated my living room and kitchen, and placed the bags down.

  Blake unloaded the contents with his back to me, and my traitorous eyes roamed over his masculine body, from his silken hair, past his broad shoulders, down his sculpted back, and landed on the tightest, roundest, most perfect ass I’d ever seen.

  He turned, and I jutted my eyes upward, but a knowing smirk played across his lips.

  Damn it! My cheeks flushed, and I fidgeted with my fingers.

  “I got you a grilled chicken sandwich with fries, and a strawberry salad. If you’re a good girl, I’ll even let you have some of this Crumbs cupcake.” He dipped his hand into the bag and raised it, exposing a mouthwatering hazelnut cupcake propped inside a clear shell. I licked my lips as he turned the tantalizing package. Crumbs was my weakness and hazelnut was my favorite flavor.

  Eye on the prize, I determinedly stalked toward him, lifted the plastic heaven-containing package from his fingers, and placed it on the counter out of harm’s way. That baby was all mine. I reached up to extract two glasses from the cabinet when a familiar warmth overtook my whole back side. I was beginning to recognize the feel of his gaze on me. Turning, I caught him while his line of vision was still glued to the lower half of my body.

  Unlike me, he didn’t try to make it seem as though he wasn’t looking, but rather let his sights linger there just a little longer before he painfully, slowly sent them traveling up the length of me. He patted the stool next to him.

  “Come, I’m starved.”

  I had the distinct feeling he wasn’t talking about the chicken.