Live Me Page 20

  “Come on, Eva. Pull it together. You owe him this much. Fuck, you owe him everything.” I spoke to my reflection, thanking my lucky stars for a chance at normal. A chance I’d never have had without him.

  He deserves the truth.

  And there she was—the voice of reason.

  I rolled my eyes at the face looking back at me, dampened a washcloth with cool water, and held it to the back of my neck to calm my nerves. I took ten deep breaths, feeling better by the seventh but finishing the cycle to bide my time. Deciding I couldn’t put it off any longer, I put one foot in front of the other and stepped determinedly back into the living room, removing Blake’s jacket and draping it over my forearm.

  Blake was staring down at his lap. He looked engrossed in something. His leg bobbed up and down at a frenzied pace and his eyebrows pinched together, forming a hard line between them.

  Then my eyes drifted to the leather bound book between his fingers as the sound of a page turning splintered my heart in two, sending it on a wild frenzy.

  My journal.

  Time stopped as I inched forward. Mortified, I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and bury myself. No one has ever read my journal. Not even Jace. Blake was so immersed, he didn’t even hear my approach.

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  He jumped as my voice cracked the silence. I threw his jacket down and snatched my most prized possession from his grasp.

  Blake blinked as if seeing me for the very first time. “Is that really how you see yourself?” His eyes searched my face like he was trying to find the answer buried inside somewhere. Head tilted to the side, his features were pinched, tortured.

  I tucked my hair behind my ear and dropped my gaze.

  He moved to his feet and let out a shaky breath. “What happened to you?” He reached for me, and I backed away, clutching my journal to my chest.

  “You had no right. What’s in there is private.” My voice cracked, escalating with each word. Tears stung the corners of my eyes.

  He took another step forward, and I backed away again, but he grabbed my wrist, halting my retreat.

  “Let go of me!” I shrieked, trying to yank away from him. My legs were itching to run. To protect myself.

  “No!” The force in his voice shook me, stopping me dead in my tracks. His grip lightened a fraction as he caught himself and softened his tone. “No, Eva. Not anymore.” Sorrowful eyes stared back at me as he released me. “I shouldn’t have looked, okay? I know that and I’m sorry, but I did and now I can’t let it go. Talk to me, Angel.” His nickname for me was strangled as if my pain had become his pain.

  That did me in.

  I dropped the book and covered my eyes with my hands as the tears spilled over. My shoulders shook with force and I hunched forward, feeling as though I might heave. He was never supposed to see that. No one was ever supposed to see that.

  His body wrapped around mine, his hands creating soothing circles over my back, sending me into deeper hysterics. The scars inside were so deep and one by one, they were ripping open, producing fresh wounds.

  Bolting upright, I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and held myself to him for support, my tears soaking a wet patch in the center of the fabric. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed that way, but he never wavered. Never pushed me. In that moment, I think he knew I needed his stability more than anything. And he gave it to me, without question, without fail.

  Eventually, he pulled back. Sliding his finger under my chin, he turned it up to him. “Talk to me. Tell me what happened to you. Someone hurt you, didn’t they?” His jaw tensed and his hands bit into my upper arms.

  “You weren’t meant to see that. Just leave it alone. For me—please.” My lip trembled.

  “No, Angel.” His voice was determined yet gentle. “For you, I won’t. You’re going to trust me and tell me what happened.”

  I’d planned to do just that, but now, seeing him in front of me, so close to knowing the truth, the words wouldn’t come out. “I can’t! Don’t you see that I can’t?” My fists pounded on his chest in quick succession as he stood there, absorbing every strike like it was simply the flit of a butterfly wing. Finally realizing what I was doing, I withdrew, covering my mouth, fresh tears glassing over my eyes.

  Without a word, he studied me and I saw it, clear on his face. He was seeing me. And he wasn’t backing away.

  Oh God, this can’t be happening.

  But it was and it couldn’t be undone. Part of me was relieved to finally give up the charade, and part of me was scared out of my mind, scrambling around inside to cover up like I was standing here naked, bared to his scrutiny.

  For so many years, I was constantly on my toes, always with my guard up. Making sure to keep my lies in tact and stay buried within my skin so no one would know what was really going on. And then, like what happens when your body crashes after a serious high, mine went limp, almost catatonic. My shoulders bowed forward and I felt the life seep right out of me, seeming to melt down from my head and drain out of my fingertips as they hung toward the floor.

  “Don’t look at me like that.” I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, unable to meet Blake’s eyes.

  “Tell me what happened to you.” He placed his hands on the sides of my face and erased my tears with the pads of his thumbs, lifting my gaze to his. His voice was so soft, so compassionate.

  My lower lip trembled. “Do I have to say it? I think you know what happened without hearing the words.”

  The muscles in his neck worked to push down his swallow, and his eyes gave away his fear of what I’d just said. “Yes, you do. I need to know, and you need to get it out finally. Something tells me you’ve been holding it in since it happened. That shit’ll kill you inside. The longer it festers, the worse it’ll be. Give it to me. I told you, I can handle it.”

  I let out a jagged breath. Was I really going to do this?

  If I wanted this thing between us to go anywhere, I knew I needed to.

  Taking a little too long to compose myself, Blake cleared his throat, cutting into my thoughts. “When did it happen?”

  I focused my eyes away from his, drifting off into that far away place as a lone tear slipped down my cheek. “I was fourteen when it started.”

  He sucked in a sharp breath. “When it . . . started?”

  “Yes,” I replied in a hushed whisper. It was the first time I’d admitted that to anyone other than Jace, and I felt dirty, ashamed. A pang of nervousness shot through my belly when I wondered if he would be thinking the same thing. I quickly prepared myself for the worst.

  I watched the blood drain from his face as the depth of my words sunk in. He began to work his jaw again, and his eyes grew more intense. “Why haven’t you told anybody?”

  I squared my shoulders, knowing I hadn’t told him the worst part yet. That, I wasn’t ready to share. “No one can know.”

  His eyes tightened their focus on me as his eyebrows drew in sharply. “What do you mean no one can know? How can anything be done about it if no one knows? You have to tell someone.”

  “No! And please don’t push. It took a lot for me to tell you that much.” My breaths came in quick gasps as I stood my ground.

  Sliding his arms around my waist, he buried his face in my hair. “My God, Angel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want it to be true.”

  “Don’t be. It’s not for you to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything and I’m fine . . . really.” I pushed away from him, needing distance. This was all too much for me, and the need to run was still festering beneath the surface.

  Blake’s eyes widened as he took in my guarded demeanor. He could tell he was losing me again. “Can I be honest with you?”

  He snagged my pinky with his pointer. I looked down at our interlocked fingers in awe of how powerful that one connection felt. The smallest way two people could attach themselves to each other, but it felt like we were connected by steel.

  “Sure . . .”

  He took a mome
nt to gather his thoughts. When his eyes met mine again, there was nervousness behind them, but it was hiding behind something more powerful. He blew out a slow breath, wiping his other palm on his thigh.

  “I’ve been trying to hold back my feelings for so long because I didn’t want to scare you away, but I just can’t anymore. I’m falling for you, Angel. Hard.” He took a long swallow. “I felt it the second I saw you tied to that guy in the park. Something draws me to you. You’re my drug of choice and I’m a hopeless junkie. It’s impossible for me to stay away. I have this sick need to be near you.” He closed the already small distance between us. “To touch you.” He brushed the back of his hand over my cheek.

  Silent tears rolled from my eyes at his confession. My hands trembled, and I toyed with a strand of my hair to try to cover it up as I looked away.

  Tell him to go.

  I attempted to get my tongue to say the words, but it remained glued to the roof of my mouth as I stood popping my knees back and forth in a nervous rhythm. I couldn’t do it.

  The corner of Blake’s mouth pulled in. “I knew there was something different about you, and I could always tell something was a bit . . . off. I just didn’t want to press the issue. But I suspected it was something like this for a long time now.” He hung his head. “I hoped I was wrong. Prayed for it actually. But . . .”

  He swallowed hard, concentrating on my eyes again. “I want you to open up to me. I need to know the rest. Let me help you,” he pleaded. “I know you think you’re broken, but let me help fix you. I can handle what you can’t. We can do this together.” He sounded so certain.

  I shook my head. “You don’t understand. And you can’t. There’s a lot that you don’t know, Blake. I’m no good. The sooner you figure that out, the better off you’ll be.” Tears rolled free as I built up the courage to do what I was about to do.

  I plucked my pinky from his grasp, and looked him dead in the eye, reinforcing my barriers. “You should go.” My voice didn’t even sound like my own. It sounded automated, forced.

  He flinched and hurt veiled his beautiful eyes. I looked away. I couldn’t stand to see the pain behind those eyes. Pain that I had put there. This man was putting his heart out there for me, pumping and bleeding in front of me, and I was trampling all over it.

  He caught himself and strengthened his resolve. “Don’t do that. Not anymore. I’m in this with you and I’m not changing my mind. I want it all. The good, the bad and the ugly.”

  I bit down on my lip to stop it from trembling. “There is no good. Only ugly. Please, do yourself a favor and just move on. Find someone else. Someone who has a heart to give back to you. I don’t have one anymore. I haven’t had one for a long time. You can’t change that.”

  He clenched his teeth. “That’s not true and you know it. I can see you have feelings for me. You’re just fighting it. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” He took a step toward me and held out his hand.

  “Be with me.”

  I couldn’t look at his pleading eyes any longer. Neglecting his hand, I turned my back on him. My heart was breaking, screaming in my chest to go to him, but I was glued to the floor, picking at my nails all the while feeling his pull behind me.

  Determined, he rounded me and snatched my nervous hand in his. “Angel, I know more than you think. Your eyes give it all away. I know you feel alone and I know you have no clue what you’re worth. You can’t blame yourself for what happened to you. It’s not your fault, baby.”

  “You don’t know!” I shook my head violently, feeling lost and hollow.

  “I don’t need to know!” Finally letting his frustrations spill over, his fingertips gripped my upper arms.

  I flinched at his abruptness.

  He bent down to my height and in a softer voice, pleaded, “Listen to me.” His eyes were too intense. I tried to look away, but he grabbed my chin between his fingers and forced my gaze back to his. “I’m in this with you. I’m not going anywhere. What do I have to do to convince you of that?”

  My mouth opened, but I was unable to push out any words.

  Blake continued, “You’re a good person. You care about other people and their feelings. Hell, you cared about my feelings and the shit that goes on with my dad after five minutes of knowing me. You can’t see what I see, I get it. Just say yes. Let me show you you’re worth it.”

  His words slapped me in the face, bringing me back to reality. My voice sounded hard, cold. “I’m not as good as you’d like to believe I am.”

  “Look, nobody’s perfect, but you deserve to be happy and I can make you happy. I’ve seen it in the moments when you forget to leave that stupid fucking guard up. The smiles you forget to hide and that cute little blush that creeps across your cheeks when I get a little too close.” He swept the back of his fingers across my cheekbone. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself.”

  His gaze intensified. “Be. With. Me.”

  I inched forward, wanting more than anything to take him up on his offer but I thought better of it. “Look, Blake. I admit I do have some serious feelings for you, but I’m just not ready. I’m trying, I promise. I just need time to think, okay? I need to figure out what to do with all this.”

  His body deflated. “Whatever you need.” He placed a kiss to the tip of my nose and pulled my hair behind my shoulders, clasping it between his hands as he rested his forearms there. “I told you I’d be here and I meant it. Just try—for me. Think about it and I mean really think about it.”

  “I will.” And I would.

  He held me until the turbulence settled, brushing his fingers through my hair and smoothing his hands down my back until my breathing was even and I’d forgotten how intense of a moment we’d just shared. He always seemed to know how far to push me and when I couldn’t handle any more.

  He pulled his head back, a mischievous sparkle gleaming in his eyes, and just like that, in true Blake fashion, the shift in the air became more lighthearted. “Now, where were we?” He tapped the edge of his chin with his index finger.

  I cocked my head to the side, wondering where he was going with that.

  The corner of his mouth twisted into a grin, and he nudged my journal with his toe. “So . . . am I in there?”

  “None of your business.” I bent to retrieve the book I’d dropped in my haste and held it firmly to my chest.

  “Come on, Angel. Am I in there?” Blake’s smile was animated as he inched toward me.

  Backing up, I said, “Maybe.” I couldn’t help but grin at his teasing manner. When my calves met cushion, I tossed the book down and sat on top of it, bringing my knees to my chest.

  He prowled toward me with slow, fluid steps. “Let me see.”

  “What’re you crazy? No way.” I gripped the edges of the book tight, anchoring myself to it.

  “Angel . . .” He dragged out my name, holding out his hand.

  “Blake . . .” My voice mirrored his, and I cocked a brow, silently telling him not to mess with me.

  “Come on. Show me. Don’t make me tickle it out of you.” He flitted all of the fingers on both of his clawed hands in a threatening gesture.

  I narrowed my eyes. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Oh, I would. And I should warn you, I’ve been the king of tickle wars since junior high. I still have the crown to prove it.” He jabbed a finger to the side of my rib before I could see it coming.

  I flinched to the left. “Don’t!” I squealed.

  “Show me the goods, or I unleash the fury.” He wiggled two fingers into the opposite rib, and my body jolted to the side accordingly.

  “Stop! I’m not in the mood. Don’t make me kick your ass!”

  Straddling me, he pinched my side while leaning in to nudge his nose into the soft skin of my neck. Bumps raised along my flesh as he dragged his bottom lip up to the base of my ear. When his tongue sucked the lobe, I swallowed my breath.

  “That was the wrong thing to say. Now I want to do it just to see th
at,” he whispered before pressing a kiss to my cheek. “But another time. I think you’ve shared enough for one night.”

  I silently thanked him with my smile for knowing so well what I needed. It was sweet of him to try and distract me, but it was kind of hard to laugh when your insides were spilling out. He brushed my nose with his own as his hands snaked around my back, holding me tight to him.

  Enraptured by the feel of him, I gave up the fight of trying to ignore what his body did to me in this close proximity, my mind returned to what had brought us here in the first place.

  “Kiss me.”

  The words escaped my mouth before I had a chance to swallow them down.

  A smile dusted his face as he closed the small space between us and parted my lips with his tongue, sweeping in and out of my mouth slowly and delicately. But, like moths to a flame, one touch sparked a fire. Moaning with pleasure, he delved deeper, increasing his need with each stroke.

  I breathed my air into him, loving how he received each pant, pushing some of his own back into my mouth. Unclasping our lips, I knotted my fingers in the hair at the base of his scalp, slanted his neck, and dipped my head to suck on the collarbone that had been teasing me all night. Sweet and salty and twisted with a hint of Blake, it tasted as delicious as I thought it would as I ran my tongue over it and gave it a little nip.

  A quake ran through Blake’s body as he expelled the air from his lungs. “Fuck, Angel.” He dropped his forehead to mine, and I raked my fingernails from his scalp, down the hard contours of his back, exploring the muscles lining his spine. With trembling fingers, I attempted to do away with the thin piece of cotton standing between me and what I wanted.

  His chest heaved, and his body retracted from mine a fraction. “We have to stop. This isn’t happening like this. Not until you’re sure.”

  I moaned in protest, wanting to tell him to shut up and keep going, but I knew he was right. I dropped my hands down to my sides and blew out the rest of the air in my lungs, a slow blush creeping across my cheeks.

  He took a deep breath and must have noticed my embarrassment. “I want you, too. Fuck, I want you so bad I can barely think straight. But we can’t. Not like this.” He brought my hands around from his back and kissed my palm before settling them between us. Then he dipped his head once again to place a soft peck on my lips. “Come on.” Securing my hands, he rocked back, pulling me up with him.