Live Me Read online

  “What? No.” Yes. “Shut up!”

  “What?” Blake’s face screwed in confusion.

  Fuck, I’d said that out loud. “Nothing. Just drop it.” I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

  Blake’s features didn’t budge—he knew me too well. But he acquiesced and leaned back in his chair. For the remainder of class, I felt his eyes on me periodically, but I pretended not to notice as I scribbled down an exorbitant amount of notes. Knowing we’d go our separate ways from here, I stilled my heart and forced myself to push all the racing thoughts from my mind until I could be alone. I didn’t want him to know what a mess I was inside.

  At the dismissal of class, I gave him a chaste kiss on the lips and tried to disregard the look of concern in his eyes.

  “See ya tonight?” he asked, hopeful.

  “Huh? Oh. I, um . . . I have plans with Jace, and then I have to work. I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you.”

  “Oh.” Disappointment marred his beautiful features. “It’s okay, I can give Eric a call. I haven’t seen him much. He’s been acting weird lately. We’re still on for tomorrow though, right?”

  “Of course.” I flashed an unconvincing smile.

  Blake hooked his finger with mine. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Uh huh. I gotta go, or I’ll be late for my next class.” I lifted on my tippy toes to give him a swift kiss, but he caught me in a bear hug, tipping me back and pressing his lips firmly to mine.

  Instantly, all thoughts flitted from my mind, and I became light on my feet. My legs turned to squishy fuzzballs while he held me there, long enough for all doubt to wash away. When he finally broke the kiss, his eyes were half lidded, his breathing slow as a soft smile spread across his lips. “See you tomorrow night, Angel.”

  Nervous queezies overlapped the underlying jelly still in my belly from that kiss, but I shoved them down and smiled. “See you tomorrow night.”

  Tomorrow night.

  When I was sure Blake was out of sight, I turned and headed for my apartment. There was no way I could sit through class. My nerves were jumping out of my skin.

  Slouching down on my couch, I dragged my knees into my chest and rested my chin atop of them. What if I disappointed him? Or worse, what if I couldn’t go through with it? How much could one guy excuse?

  I rubbed my temples and rocked back and forth. Sure, I was fine with the intimacy we’d already shared, but sex? I’d thought I was ready the other day, but what if I freaked out? There’s a big difference between that and what we’d done. What if it was too much?

  “Fuck!”

  I shot to my feet and yanked the elastic band from my hair, releasing my curls. Twirling clumps around my fingers, I paced around like a caged lioness. I wasn’t denying the fact I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything, but sometimes I wasn’t in control of my stupid body. Things had a way of creeping in and taking over. Experience had taught me that, and I didn’t want it to happen in front of him. I never wanted him to think he was the cause of something bad. Or worse, to figure everything out.

  I threw open the drawer in my end table with so much force I thought it’d unhinge, and pulled my journal out from under a magazine. Opening the door to my balcony, I shivered as cold air rushed in, and closed it just as quickly. The balcony was not an option. Returning to the couch, my pen scrawled.

  Torture

  Pain

  Worry

  Refrain

  Hurt

  Mad

  Alone

  Sad

  Dream

  Free

  Soar

  Be

  Caged

  Wild

  Extreme

  Mild

  Scrambled

  Confused

  Conflicted

  Bemused

  Locked

  Strapped

  Prisoner

  Trapped

  Lost

  Found

  Confined

  Bound

  Dead

  Alive

  Phony

  Hide

  Asleep

  Awake

  Live

  Blake

  My fingers danced across my phone in a familiar motion I could do with my eyes closed, and a second later Jace’s groggy voice answered. “Well, I guess I’m not going to that class.” He yawned.

  “I need you.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Just come here, okay?”

  “I need coffee,” he groaned.

  “Already done. Door’s open.”

  Five minutes later, Jace stumbled through my door, wiping crust out of the corners of his eyes, his hair all mussed. “This better be good. Kostas Martakis was having his way with me when you called.”

  I pushed the steaming mug into his hand, and he dropped onto my couch, tucking his feet under himself.

  “I can’t do this, Jace. I need to call it off.”

  “What? Have you completely lost your mind?”

  “Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t fucking know!” I plopped down on the coffee table in front of him, fiercely fingering my hair. “How can I do this? What if he finds out everything? And how can I have sex with him?”

  “I’ll show you how.” The corner of his mouth tilted with his eyebrow, and he raised the mug to his lips.

  “Jace, I’m being serious.”

  “Chill, boo. I’m not awake enough for this shit. Let me rev up some brain cells first.” Jace took a giant swig of his coffee, all relaxed as if I hadn’t been in the middle of a panic attack. I wanted to knock him off the couch.

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Can we figure out my life now, or should I get you an I.V.?”

  “Listen, bitch, you’re giving me whiplash. I’ve had it with you already. That boy’s going to run away from you if you don’t stop it, and then what? Is that what you want?”

  I stared at him, unable to form words.

  Jace’s lips pinched. “I didn’t think so. And stop ripping at your hair. The bald look ain’t for you.” Jace grabbed my hands and pulled me forward so our noses were almost touching. “Look, Eva. I’ve supported you living in your shell long enough. You have a chance to have something really special here, and I’m not about to let you fuck it up.”

  I groaned, rolling my head to the side. “Jace, I don’t know what I’m doing. All my instincts are telling me to protect myself, but then I get within five feet of his electric fucking eyes, and I’m lost in him.”

  “As you should be.” He relaxed back on the couch, and I wanted to punch him in the face.

  “I really hate you sometimes. Can’t you just pretend to understand? What the hell did I even call you over here for?” I started to get up when he shot forward, pressing down on my shoulders and lowering me back down.

  His eyes were stern, making me feel like a five-year-old being scolded. “You know exactly what you called me over here for. To talk you out of making the biggest mistake of your life. At least part of you is smart enough to know you’re doing the right thing. Somewhere in there is a rational girl who called me here to talk you down from a ledge. Where’s that girl? I want to speak to her. I don’t like this one.” He looked around as if he was searching the room for something.

  Sarcastic mother . . .

  I raised my chin in defiance. “That’s not true.”

  “Oh, it’s not?” He raised an eyebrow.

  I huffed out a huge breath and looked away.

  He let out a tired sigh. “You’re broken, yes. But I haven’t seen you this happy in years, Eva. You may not see it, but you’ve already begun to fix yourself. It’s working, baby girl. Just don’t give up on it yet.” He paused. “Not when I’m so close to getting my friend back. I miss her.” He maneuvered my chin to face him. It was one of the rare times he’d ever been serious, and I knew what he was saying meant a lot to him.

  “I’m sorry I’m a mess and that you’re always having to deal with me. You know I love you. But, Jace
. . . tomorrow—God, I’m so fucking scared. What if I can’t do it?”

  “Then you don’t do it,” he said, simple and to the point. “Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure if you’re not ready, that boy’s still gonna be there waiting till you are.”

  He was right. Of course he was. “I know,” I whispered.

  “So then what’re we talking about? Hush it. Relax and let’s pick us a sexy little number for you to wear.” He slapped my thigh. “Come on, let’s raid your closet.”

  “There’s one more thing. I told Blake I was hanging with you until I had work later. He also doesn’t know I skipped class. I may have had a slight freak out earlier.” I pinched two fingers shut for emphasis.

  “You’re hopeless.” He shook his head, exasperated. “So let me get this straight, you’ve already succeeded in insulting the guy and pushing him away. Am I reading through the lines correctly?”

  “Maybe.” I winced.

  “Well then, I guess we’ll just have to turn the sexy up another notch.” I nearly tripped as he grabbed my hand, forcing me down the hall.

  “Um, I don’t think so.” I snorted out a giggle.

  “I’ll call him and let him know you’re a jerk and that he should come to the bar tonight. I swear I’m gonna put a dog collar on you and zap your ass every time you’re out of line. I’ll teach you.”

  Walking hand-in-hand, we both laughed as we retreated to the bedroom.

  Hours later, my mind was reeling, torn between wanting to find Blake and jump on him, and wanting to run away and live under an assumed name. I was staring off into space while my finger absentmindedly wiped sweaty beads of water dripping down my half-filled glass.

  Rick’s hand blurred my vision. “Earth to Eva. Thirsty people here.”

  I startled and my cheeks grew warm. “Sorry. I’m somewhere else right now. It’s been a crazy week.”

  He placed a friendly hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay. Wanna take off? I can call someone in.”

  “Nah. Jasmine will be here soon anyway and I could use the distraction. Thanks, though.” I was lucky to have found such a considerate boss.

  Time passed as though I was in a vacuum. Any attempt to turn off my brain was futile. Blake still hadn’t shown up, and it was beginning to weigh on me. He always showed up.

  Happy by Pharrell Williams, blared through the speakers from the cover band. It was an upbeat tune that I usually loved, but I just couldn’t force myself to get into it.

  Rick approached me, clapping his hands along and bopping his head. “You know what time it is, don’t you?”

  Head tilted, I frowned at him, too distracted to catch on.

  “Time for you to get your butt up there and belt out some tunes.” He grabbed my hands, forcing me to clap along also, while he jiggled his hips.

  I pulled my hands free and dragged them along my thighs. “Oh, I don’t think so, Rick. Not tonight. I’m just not feeling it.”

  “You have no choice. It’s your gig now. People come here waiting to hear your pipes. You can’t disappoint them.”

  “He’s right,” Jasmine chimed in. “At least five people asked me when you’re singing already.”

  “Do I have to?” I whined.

  “Yep.” Rick spun me around and ushered me out from behind the bar.

  Jace smirked. One day I really am going to haul off and slap him. He got too much enjoyment out of my misery lately.

  The lead singer leaned into my ear. “What song do you want?”

  I thought for a moment as a vision of Blake’s eyes flashed before me, and I decided to get out my feelings through song tonight. “Demi Lovato. Lightweight.”

  He smiled and turned to the guys, instructing them of my selection. “The lady wants Demi’s Lightweight.” They nodded, coordinating as I inhaled a deep breath. I swallowed hard, curling my fingers around the barrel of the mic, and getting into the moment.

  The quiet beginning notes started, and I sang in a soft, breathy voice. My eyes were closed as I imagined all of Blake’s sincere words and felt every bit as lightheaded as the song implied. I crossed my arms over my chest, rubbing the tops of them as my feelings bled out of the lyrics.

  And then I sensed him. Legs like jelly, my eyes opened after the first chorus to find Blake’s gaze fixed on me. My heart lurched at the sight of him, a full breath of relief filling my lungs. He came.

  A sense of completeness and comfort washed over me and realization hit me—hard. I wasn’t whole when he wasn’t around. Like I was half a person in those times. He kept me glued together. Kept me from coming apart at the seams.

  Locked into him, I started the next verse, asking him to promise he’d always be in reach. I wanted him to feel it, too. Feel the weight of the words bearing down heavy on my chest as they passed my lips. They meant so much to me. I needed him to know how scared I was, but that I trusted he’d provide a safe place for me to fall.

  I kept on, letting him know how delicate I was and how hard I was falling for him. He progressed toward me, and my heart stuttered. Each time I saw him, I swore he took a beat away. Standing before me, his demeanor was intense. He wasn’t smiling. Devotion and what looked like love showed in his eyes, coupled with something else that almost resembled pain. He didn’t have to say the words. I was saying enough for both of us.

  The ending lyrics—telling him he kept me from falling apart—echoed through the speakers as Blake leaned down and scooped me up, whisking me off my feet.

  Arms tightly circled around my waist, he whispered in my ear, “Always, my angel. Fall into me. I got you.”

  I pushed my nose into his neck and inhaled a deep breath of him. “I already am.”

  Tingles whisked through my body. I was content to stay here, just like this—suspended in his arms. This man had me. I couldn’t run from him. I’d be running from myself.

  “Blake, I—”

  “I know.”

  Moving so our mouths were a breath apart, his eyes flicked to my lips, and my insides squirmed, wanting to feel what I’d nearly denied myself of.

  He brushed his nose along mine, and I watched the slow dip of his dimple as he lowered his head the rest of the way and covered my lips with his. I hugged his neck tighter, missing the feel and taste of him. Blake groaned into my mouth and then pulled back, clasping my bottom lip between his teeth. He carried me back to the bar, my legs draping down the front of him, and set me down behind it.

  “That was beautiful, Eva. I’ll never get used to hearing your voice. You really should do something with that,” Rick called, tossing a rag to me so I could wipe up a spill at the end of the bar.

  “I do. I’m a Backdoor exclusive.” I winked.

  With Blake here, my mood shifted exponentially, and I became more lighthearted and playful. Even while I was busy, I felt him staring, his aura surrounding me in a protective bubble, and my mind, body, and soul were at ease.

  Jace twirled Jessie and then dipped her backward over the top of the bar so her head rested on it. She looked at me upside down, giggling and out of breath.

  “Come dance! Your favorite song’s about to start. I requested it,” Jace yelled over the music.

  “Can’t. I’m working.” I pinched the straw poking out of my glass between my fingers and placed it in the corner of my mouth. “Besides, who would Jessie dance with then?”

  “Me,” Rick cut in, his body rigid as he stared down at her tight curls lying across the bar. She scrambled out of Jace’s hold and stood to face him.

  Unspoken words traveled between them before she stretched out her hand to him. “Well, come on then. Song’s about to start.”

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasmine smirk as she focused on the liquor she was pouring.

  I smiled. “Hold on, we’re missing one.” I turned, motioning to Blake to meet me half-way. “This better be good,” I said to Jace as I grabbed Blake’s hand.

  “Bitch, please. Never doubt me.” Jace stuck his nose in the air.

  “Thi
s next song is by special request, dedicated to our very own Eva!” The powerful guitar strums at the beginning of My Own Worst Enemy by Lit, erupted from the speakers.

  “Yazzzz!” I squealed, hauling myself at Jace. “I love this song!”

  We all sang-yelled the lyrics in a tight clump, bopping and jumping, heads wagging. Jace and I screamed into each other’s faces while we held hands. More dancing and hopping ensued, and I was pretty sure bodies were tossed in the air. The place exploded with whistles and claps as the last note sprang from the speakers.

  “One more! One more!” I called to the lead singer. “Play Livin on a Prayer for me!” I smiled, exposing all my teeth and grabbed Blake’s hand, having more fun than I ever remembered having in my life.

  “You heard the lady. One . . . Two . . . A one, two, three, four . . .”

  We all yelled the familiar opening lyrics in chorus. The whole place was shouting, jumping up and down in unison. Blake whirled me around and dipped me. We rocked our bodies side to side and I felt so free. So alive. My blood pumped fiercely, and my heart was full.

  With a tight grip on my back, Blake sang close to my face, telling me we had each other, followed by something so simple and unexpected heat spread to my girl parts instantaneously. He scrunched his nose in the sexiest way, sending my hyper-aware body into overdrive and with a wicked grin, he sang the rest of the words, exclaiming that we’d give this a shot.

  I laughed as he propelled me out, then pulled me in and swung me onto his back, just in time for the ending few verses.

  As the song ended, excitement buzzed through me. Panting, my face ached from laughing so hard. Blake maneuvered me around to his front and looked into my eyes as if he were meeting me for the first time. A different, fun-loving, real me. Not the broken, fragile girl he was used to seeing.

  His lips crushed mine with a ferocity I’d never experienced before. My hands immediately knotted in his hair as his tongue swept through my mouth. My stomach fluttered wildly. His chest heaved as he released my lips and rested his forehead against mine.

  His eyes told me he wanted to say something but was holding back. I thought mine must have mirrored his because I had to bite down on my lip to stop the words I love you from flying out of them. I never thought it’d be possible to fall for someone so fast, but I couldn’t help it, I was.